Phantom Ranger: Thanks, Johnny. We have quite a show for you here today, with lots of characters from every walk of fandom. Unfortunately, since we can’t post binaries to the newsgroup, you’ll just have to be content with the radio descriptions.

JYB: Right. I have here the list of finalists, and it looks to be an interesting group once again. Drew from Beetleborgs and Justin Stewart were once again disqualified for lack of angst-

(Switch to the front gate. Phasm Ranger has Justin and Drew loaded into a BIG slingshot.)
Justin: But what about “Blue is the Color of- AHHHHHHH!”

JYB: And he’s OUTTA there!

Phantom: Looks like Phasm goes the distance again. Remember, folks, fanfic angst does not count. It has to be canon!

Phasm: Cannon! That’s what I should have used!

JYB: Get him out of here! How did he get into the booth, anyway?

Phantom: Trade secret.

JYB: Whatever... Anyway, we have quite a group, although some of our finalists are no-shows. Andros is explaining to the Shadow Government that he did NOT steal Fox Mulder’s schtick, Ryouga couldn’t find the place, and Rodimus Prime couldn’t fit in the building.

Phantom: I’d never seen a Transformer sulk before.

JYB: Still, we have an impressive turnout down there on the show floor. Agent Fox Mulder is back, as is Scott Summers, emotional punching bag of the X-Men. Apparently Wolverine had other business this year. Tommy Oliver is back to defend his title, but he’ll have some tough competition from other Saban hopefuls such as Ryan Steele and Masked Rider, not to mention Tuxedo Mask, the last, best hope for DIC.

Sheridan: Cute.

Phantom: Are you here for the competition?

Sheridan: No, I just dropped in on my way to Zha’ha’dum.

JYB: That was surreal.

Phantom: You’re telling me. Hey, speaking of that, some people on the newsgroup think we’re the same person. Can we be talking like this?

JYB: Sure. ‘Til we’re told differently, the author figures you’re Sven from Voltron.

Phantom: WHAT?

JYB: Yeah, she figures this is where he goes when he disappears from Arus.

Phantom:So where’s my accent?

JYB: Speech therapy?

Phantom: ... Works for me.

JYB: Well, it looks like the action is getting started down there. The various contestants are about to list their qualifications. First up is Special Agent Fox Mulder of the X-Files.

Mulder: Well, my sister was abducted, I’ve been infected with something loathesome, a guy who chainsmokes burned up my files, I’ve been shot at, beat up, and put in the hospital more times than I can count, my closest friend in the world has cancer, and my only other friends are a trio of geeks who think classic cinema began with Star Trek.

Phantom: That’s a lot of angst. It’ll be tough for the others to beat.

JYB: But Tommy has a lot of experience coming back from such things. Up next is Tuxedo Mask.

Tux: I’m destined to marry a girl who thinks of nothing but food, my daughter has a crush on me, my future self sends me nightmares, I get beaten up by women on a daily basis, and I can’t enter a battle without getting hurt.

JYB: Not a great life, but I’ve heard worse.

Phantom: You’re not kidding. Hey, where’s Billy, anyway?

JYB: You can’t get him within twenty feet of Tommy. There’ll be an explosion.

Phantom: So I’ve heard. Next up is Ryan Steele of VR Troopers. This’ll be interesting.

Ryan: I spent ten years without my father, I talk to myself constantly, and- AUGHHH!

JYB: What in the world?

Phantom: Looks like a huge horde of female country music fans.

JYB: Boots and hats tip you off?

Phantom: That and the “I love Brad” shirts. Man, look at Ryan go!

JYB: I guess Ryan Steele is no longer in the running.

Phantom: I wouldn’t say that, but he’s definitely out of the contest.

JYB: Uh- yeah.

(Phone rings on stage)

Mulder: Mulder. What? I’ll be right there. Gotta go. Cattle mutilation in Pecoima. (Leaves)

Phantom: Well, the ranks are thinning here, aren’t they?

JYB: Yes, and now Dex Stewart, the Masked Rider will be coming up soon.

Phantom: Speaking of bugs, where’s Spider-Man?

JYB: We couldn’t pay Marvel for the licensing deal.

Phantom: Oh.

JYB: This just in! Apparently the Shadow Government has turned Andros over to Catherine Johnson. I don’t think he’ll be showing up for the rest of the program.

Phantom: Or the century. But look! Dex is up to bat- or bug, as the case may be.

,b>Dex: Well, my uncle is trying to kill me, I’m an orphan, my planet is a war-torn ruin, and I’m stuck on a planet where bugs are treated as vermin.

(A flyswatter comes out of nowhere)

SPLAT!

JYB: Ewww.... Okay, who put Phasm in charge of special effects?

Phantom: I just hope somebody cleans that up soon. Looks like we’re down to Tommy, and then it’s all up to the judges.

Tommy: I’ve lost my powers more times than I can count, any woman I date becomes a mindless damsel in distress, I have to throw my clothes out once a season, people are continually trying to kill me, and I fall under spells at the drop of a hat.

(Lots of commotion)

JYB: Ladies and gentlemen, you heard it here first! Tuxedo Mask has just dropped his hat! Fortunately, the contest organizers keep a couple Swords of Darkness around for just such an emergency. Somebody’s just blasted it, so Tommy should be back under control soon.

Phantom: Meanwhile, Tuxedo Mask is being ejected by four people in security uniforms. You know, those guys look awfully familiar.

Jedite: Don’t worry, everyone, we’ll take good care of Tuxie, won’t we, Malachite?

Tux: ARGGGGH!

JYB: (-_-;)

Phantom: How do you do that?

JYB: Trade secret. Well, folks, it’s all down to Cyclops and Tommy now! Let’s hear who the judges prefer!

Judge Doom: I always liked Christopher Lloyd, myself... But this year’s title goes once again to Tommy!

Tommy: Great! What did I win?

(A large anvil falls out of the sky and smashes him.)

JYB: (-_-;)

Phantom: Double (-_-;)

JYB: Let me guess. They put Phasm in charge of the prize committee, didn’t they?

Phantom: And with that note, we’ll leave you. Say goodnight, Johnny.

JYB: Goodnight, Johnny.