A Total Twist
By Ricochet
Billy: Zordon, don't you think it's time we sort of got some rangers that don't, um, what's the word, suck?
Zordon: Billy, I think It's time I told you a little story about something called money, of which we don't have very goddamn much of at the moment!
Billy: Are we still letting Rocky rent those porno's?
Zordon: Unfortunately it's part of his contract negotiations.
Billy: Well, why don't we get some guys in here that don't need money cuz' they're already loaded?
Zordon: Billy, you may be on to something. Alpha, bring the rangers here.
Alpha: Right away, Zordon.
Tommy: Yo, big Z, wuzzup?
Zordon: In a nutshell, none of you are worth your paychecks so we're replacing you with rich people.
Rocky: Does this mean I don't get to rent any more porno movies? (Breaks out in tears and runs from the Power Chamber, tossing his zeonizers off as he left.)
Tommy: Fine, I never liked this place anyway. Come on Kat. We've got beaches to grace with our presence. (He leaves after throwing his zeonizers on the table.)
Kat: Coming Tommy. (In a robotic voice, she tosses her zeonizers on the table as well.)
Adam: I have an offer from Playgirl. It pays way better than this crap and a half job. And in this job I won't get a wedgie from my outfits. See ya. (He drops his zeonizers on the table as well.)
Tanya: And I'm going to be a singer. There's a high demand for singers with nostrils the size of Massachusetts. (She tossed her zeonizers on the table with the others.)
Billy: Just one problem, Zordon. Who are we going to get to be the new members of the team?
Zordon: I dunno. Wanna watch MTV?
Billy: Sure.
TV: And now, those gorgeous pop sensations, the BACKSTREET BOYS! ( The Backstreet Boys run out to greet their screaming fans.)
Billy: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Zordon: I think I am. Alpha, teleport them here now.
Alpha: But Zordon, they're on live TV right now.
Billy: Alpha, do you honestly think anything on MTV is live?
Alpha: Sigh, I'll get right on it, Billy.
The Backstreet Boys were backstage at MTV after their performance when they were whisked away in five flashes of white light.
Brian: Whoa, what a rush!
Kevin: Shut the hell up Brian. What did I tell you about speaking out of turn?
Brian: Don't speak out of turn or I will get a severe beating to the head.
Kevin: And there you go again. Yacking when I specifically told you not to.
Brian: But you just said…
Kevin: Don't be back talking me, boy. (Brian hung his head down and nodded.)
Nick: Hey, check out the giant head in a water cooler.
Howie: And look at that little robot in the corner. (Howie ripped open his shirt for no apparent reason and ran around to show everyone how he had neglected to shave his chest for the past month.)
A.J.: Would you put that away, D.?
Billy: Hey, would you guys stop talking and look at me? (Brian got a funny look in his eyes, and proceeded to look at every inch of Billy, from head to toe.)
Brian: Wow, what a man. (He was knocked over by Kevin, who then gave him a stern look.)
Kevin: What did I tell you about acting gay in front of anyone human or not? (Brian hung his head and tried not to cry.)
Billy: Here's the drill. You guys are the new Power Rangers. You can't tell anyone who you are. And you can't use your powers for personal gain.
Kevin: So who's who? There are only three male rangers, right?
Billy: We've already taken care of that. (Kevin stood taller to show just how much bigger he was than Billy.)
Kevin: I'd better not be a girl ranger. (Billy turned around to face Kevin's chest.)
Billy: Umm, never crossed my mind. (Billy bent over table, and Brian examined every inch of Billy's rear. He was then met with another slap across the head.)
Kevin: And what did I tell you about being gay? I'd better not have to tell you again. (Brian cringed back. He started to say something back, but held it in.)
Billy: Howie and Brian are the pink and red rangers.
Brian: What? Why do I have to be a girl ranger?
Kevin: Because you're not a normal guy…you're gay.
Brian: So, that doesn't necessarily make me any different from you. (He takes out his 'Gays International' magazine, and starts flipping through it.)
Nick: Well, like Kevin said, who's who?
Billy: You're the Green ranger. (Billy tossed him the zeonizers.)
Nick: Check it out man…green! Sweet!
Billy: Uhh, yeah. A.J., you're the yellow ranger. The red ranger is now the other female ranger besides the pink ranger.
A.J.: This is still too weird.
Billy: Howie, you are the pink ranger since you are the most feminine of the Backstreet Boys.
Howie: I always thought I looked good in this colour…is this spandex suit tear away?
Billy: Brian, you are the red ranger, and your body will change to fit the…um…assets in the suit.
Brian: Wow, I've always wondered what it would be like to fill a bra!
Billy: And last but not least, Kevin, you are the leader and the blue ranger. (Kevin snatched the zeonizer from him.)
Kevin: Maybe my popularity will grow now that I'm busy saving the world.
Billy: Zordon, are you sure this is a good idea?
Zordon: Anything better?
Billy: How about rich business tycoons?
Kevin: You know, blondie, we could take this outside.
Billy: Size isn't everything, you know.
Kevin: Have you ever been in a serious relationship before? Trust me, man. Size does matter.
A.J.: Kevin, man…too much information.
Kevin: Do I have to break you like I did my wonderful cousin that I love so much?
A.J.: Bring it on!
Kevin: You asked for it. (Kevin begins pounding A.J., despite his best efforts to get away.)
Billy: Kevin, please refrain from all unnecessary poundings.
Kevin: Who says this is unnecessary?
A.J.: (From under Kevin's foot.) ME!
Kevin: Besides skinny ass, here.
Brian: I do. (He stands up, trying to look brave.)
Kevin: Sigh. Come here, Brian.
Brian: No.
Kevin: Don't make me come over there.
Brian: No. You'll have to come and get me, you big strong man, you.
Kevin: And now you're acting gay, too. Maybe another severe beating will show you who's boss. (Kevin begins beating Brian again.)
Howie: Guys, can't we all just be friends?
Everyone: NO!
Nick: Maybe we should consider stopping all of this violence, because we all know Howie has difficulties keeping on his clothes when he gets hyper. (Everyone stops and looks at Howie, who's vein in his forehead is about ready to burst, and his left eye is flinching.)
Howie: Guys, I think we should reconsider beating up one another and just be friends. (He begins to unbutton his shirt. Everyone looks at him again and stops beating up one another. Billy walks back over.)
Billy: We've decided to bring back the original team. They are not only worth their paychecks, but they do not constantly pound on one another. They just bicker between takes. Put your zeonizers over there.
Howie: Well, I hope we all learned something from this.
Kevin: Shut up. (Kevin punched Howie in the side of the head, and knocked him out cold, except for the vein in his forehead, which continued to pulsate. The others leave, and begin singing a cappella…then Howie gets up and follows them, joining in on the harmonies.)
Billy: Celebrities…you can't live with em and you can't live with em. Hey, you! (Offset to assistant.) Get me a bottle of spring water…pronto! What does a person have to do to get a drink of incredibly overpriced water around here?
Zordon: So Alpha…you want to see if those porno's Rocky rents are worth driving us into the ground?
Alpha: Sure, Zordon.
THE END
